Parenting with attachment is a parenting style or a way of educating that is based on the theory of attachment of John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst who talked about babies needing a person with whom to establish a solid bond to feel safe and with their basic needs covered and, from there, grow and develop as a person.
If we were to summarize his theories in one sentence this would be "respect for the rhythms and needs of children". For many it is just one more theory, a fashion or way of educating that could be temporary. For many others, on the other hand, it is the optimal way to educate children and, interestingly, more and more parents are following this philosophy and, more importantly, there are more and more psychologists, educators and scholars who are leaving behind authoritarian advice and methods to give way to more respectful others, closely linked to Bowlby's attachment theory.
All this introduction is to tell you that in our house we got into that car from the beginning, for seven years, and that I have the feeling that raising with attachment when you have a child is very easy, when you have two children it is plausible and when You have three things get complicated. Maybe it's my thing, maybe it's my children's thing or maybe it's generalizable and that's why I ask: Is it possible to breed with attachment when you have three children (or more)?
I am the fourth of six children
In my house we went six and to summarize a little the style of parenting that they took with me, my mother raised me, although above all I grew up alone, but with everyone. My father came home and disappeared into the living room, where he used to watch TV to rest from work day. My mother raised us and educated us as best she could, but I personally missed her at many times (and my father too, but it's hard to miss something you've never had). I do not reproach him for anything to my mother because it was the room, because I was only the little one for two years and because I was the dream child. It made no noise to cry, so being the room and quiet, I received little human warmth.
If it had been otherwise, perhaps my mother would not have had the fifth or sixth, namely. The fact is that sometimes she asked me how she did it, that she had twice as many children as me and, although I don't find the plausible explanation I do see two differences, In my house we talk more with the children that what she did (poor woman, she just lacked that in addition to taking the house, food, errands, taking us and picking us up from schools and everything else she had to be looking for the time to guess our concerns) and my children are more intense than we were, and wear much more, I believe. We were more self-conscious about that "you will see when your father comes" and indeed, when he came, he "educated us" (we were afraid of him) and then disappeared into the classroom.
Now parents care more about the emotional well-being of our children, we are more aware and more active when it comes to educating and, in addition, children, being freer to express their emotions and desires (they are less self-conscious because nobody punishes them or beat them), they are more "rebellious", more themselves, and the sum of all this makes being a father now be more tiring.
Of conscious and respectful fathers and mothers, at night
I don't know about you, but I don't remember one night in my parents' bed. I don't say I wouldn't have liked it, I sure would have loved it, but if it happened, I don't even remember it. Maybe I was one of those kids who put them in the crib and sleep alone, I don't know. What I do know is that my three children are not like that. They have always needed us to sleep, have slept (or sleep) with us, every night they give us eleven or more to get them to close their eyes (they carry some better than alkaline ones, hey) and there are nights that one ends up sleeping up to three different sites.
I do not say it as a complaint, one does it between delighted (when you can sleep all night in your bed) and resigned (when you spend bad nights) and knowing that time heals everything, but it is not the same to have one, which is in your bed or in his, but you have it controlled, that three, that when one is good the other is bad, when the three are not. The more children, the more risk of sleeping poorly And, the more nights you sleep poorly, the more risk you have of losing patience.
Of conscious and respectful fathers and mothers, by day
As I say, having a child and raising him with attachment, spending time with him, playing, offering him stimuli, talking to him, talking when he has done something wrong, correcting, explaining and turning in the first years is relatively easy (maybe those who have one me say no, that it is not easy, and I agree, but I relativize to my current situation, with three, and the difference is evident). Then he grows, he reasons, he turns 4 or 5 years old and from then on he even begins to sleep well, resting all more, sharing talks, laughs and activities and making everything easier and easier.
However, when this you have to do it with two you realize that in many moments you have to distribute. You want to talk to one but the other calls you, you lie down to play with the other and it turns out that the one wants to tell you something. The one wants you to listen to him, but the other believes that his is more important. The other fights with the one because he wants to talk, but the one fights with the other because he must also say something.
It is normal, there is interaction between parents and children and as they grow interaction between the two brothers. There are rivalries, there is imitation of each other, there is a feeling of contempt when people focus on the kid and forget a little of the big one, there is a desire for time with parents and, until they invent the parent duplicator, or you are with one, or you are with the other or both at the same time.
That is, the thing gets a bit complicated and you start losing what no parent would want to lose (even though it's normal), the control. And I'm not talking about screaming like a possessed person, but suddenly you realize that many of the things that happen can no longer be controlled. When you only had one it was easier, you could always find a time to be with the child and solve the problems at the time. With two, things get harder.
Then comes the third
Then it turns out that the third arrives and the stop crumbles. For me the passage of two to three children was much harder than one to two. You have a baby again (it seemed that this was already exceeded), you still have that of 3, that you still need a lot and that you still need a lot of dialogue, a lot of time together and a lot of attention and you still have that of 6, which is very autonomous, But he still needs you for many things.
One who wants you to play with him, the other who has taken a hit and comes crying, the little one who cries because he loves mom, who has done something as "terrible" as getting into the shower, the blow that still cries when you listen to him, the elder who decides to leave because nobody listens to him there, dinner on the table, "come, have dinner!", one who does not like I do not know what, another who "do not let me pass up to me chair, please move away, "the little one who continues to cry because he thinks that mom has gone through the shower drain and will never come back, the middle one who loses the papers and starts to use his hands because as he could not pass it has been done damage to the wall and decides that it is easier to let off steam with his brother than to explain why he is upset, the other one who bounces and you there listening to the three of you, laughing because you think it is better than crying. Other days, in a similar situation, Your brain is not enough to laugh and crashes. Danger.
Danger because when an adult brain crashes, the autopilot, the state of emergency, the reserve, the one that carries gasoline from the bottom, the dirtiest, the most impure, which makes everything work reluctant come into operation: Enough! Reminiscences appear, appears your father, your mother, the teacher who shouted, everything that you suckled and that is part of your memories and that you thought you had controlled with your reasoning. The unpleasant emotion appears and the dialogue, understanding, patience, good manners and the example of Caillou's mother (who arrives in the kitchen, finds everything lost and maintains composure) goes to waste.
I said it a few months ago ... I will not have a fourth child because children need time, because they grow, mature, change and need things very different from those needed by the baby who could go home at that time. And mine, as I say, They are very much needed, probably because we, the parents, are very much giving. They need love, they need us to talk to them, to listen to them, they need to love us and feel loved and they need our time: the other day Jon, the 7-year-old told me, who remembered when, as a child, I played a lot with him. My soul fell to the ground because it's true, it's been a long time since I've felt with him to play anything for a long time (yes in a little while), a long time ago, because now he always shares the game with Aran, the middle one, or plays alone , and in the meantime you have to be for the rest and for everyday things.
The medium, by the way, is what one might say a "powerful" child. He is affectionate to rage and is very respectful, he is clear about what he wants and does not want, he is imaginative, creative and with a great character. Thats what I refer. He is 4 years old and He lets us know often that he needs us, that needs that upbringing with attachment that we talked about (and yes, with "let us know" I mean that it brings out its character).
And then there is the little one, who is already 16 months old and, in addition to walking, is able to dismantle the house in just under ten minutes. A few days ago they called me from a demolition company asking me when I could join their staff. Well, there are days that you have the feeling that more than creating or raising, all you are doing is put out fires. And in the end there is nothing that burns, hey, but everything stays wet and disgusted ... and it is not there where one wants to live (that moisture penetrates the bones).
How easy to advise when you have only one
A few days ago I was talking with an acquaintance, mother of a child, about children (recurring theme when you have them) and I told him one of those in which you lose your nerve without wanting it and took the liberty of giving me advice, the same ones that I carry giving time: calm, patience, much dialogue, more patience, affection, spending time with them, being complicit, seeking common interests, etc.
I thanked him for the words (what less, at least he didn't tell me to punish them) and I was left wanting to say something like "you have only one, don't you? When you have three we talk".
If there were three in my house, only three, mom, Jon and I, it would take time screaming at the four winds that raising a child is very easy, that raising them with attachment is the best way to do it, that life can be wonderful and that it is very possible to change the way we were educated for a better one (it would be like that mother, come on). However I have three and, although I do the same, because I still think that raising with attachment is the best way to do it and that's why I explain it here, in Babies and more, in this last year I have lost my patience more than in the previous six, I have had to apologize to my children more than ever (because of the blocked brain) and I have realized that the more children you have the harder it is Do things as you would like to do it.
Eye, the premise of respect is still there, but on more than one occasion I ended up being more "my parents" than myself, and this had not happened until now. Luckily I know that time passes, that children grow up, become more autonomous and more capable of reasoning and that everything becomes a little easier, because being less babies has more time to be for them and because being more older people are able to respect the turn to speak, to be with you without the need to tell everything now, but now, and why they are better able to express their feelings and frustrations without breaking it brown.
There we walk, waiting patiently, and giving them as much love as we can, that those days come when I can have time for all three and enjoy them a little more. Eye, maybe part of the fault is mine, that this year I opened too many fronts in my life, and it all adds up. Perhaps if it had not been so, everything would have been easier at home and my patience would have been greater. That's why I ask you ... I would like to know your opinion: Is it possible to breed with attachment when you have three children (or more)?
