Angel Peralbo has a degree in Psychology in the specialty of Clínica, currently working as a specialist for Álava Reyes Consultores as director of the Adolescents area. He also participates in the Company area in Evaluation, preparation and delivery of courses, and in the exercise as a Coach.
It has become a reference in the disclosure of Emotional intelligence, Bullying or faculty competencies, which leads him to direct projects of Parent Schools or colloquiums, while conducting research projects on the variables involved in the psychosocial improvement of youth and adolescents.
I tell you why we have brought him to interview him in Peques y Más: Angel is the author of a book that aroused my curiosity recently, it is called 'From girls to malotas', a book that we could consider essential for understand and be able to help teenage daughters, taking advantage of the opportunity of adolescence to ensure that they have adequate self-esteem.
And having said that, what interests me most about his informative work are his reflections on machismo that seems to have resurfaced among teenagers, and this is precisely one of the main aspects that the interview is about. To introduce this entry, I will add a sentence that is not directly related to these attitudes of submission that I have just spoken about, but to the establishment of limits by the family.
If there are no external criteria there will be no internal criteria. If everything goes when they are little, they will not understand that when they are older, everything is not worth it. There are many children who reach adolescence absolutely convinced that there is no reason not to drink, or not to smoke cannabis or to do what an adult, teachers or parents tell them. Dismantling this idea is frankly difficult if they have not had some limits to their behaviorPeques and More.- I am one of the people who do not believe that 'teenagers are problematic' (it is enough for me to remind myself at that age), but nowadays do children not begin to have adolescent behavior?
Angel Peralbo.- In what seems to be an agreement, it is precisely that adolescence begins at an earlier age and vanishes at a later age. And although the complex processes of psychological maturation have not changed, they have been advanced. For example, their insistence on wanting to do what they consider appropriate from an early stage, reacting badly to the norm or questioning authority; or his tendency to dress and to show a more typical image of later ages; or your conviction of being able to handle and decide on issues that are still or should be held by your parents, etc. all this more typical of adolescents than of children that are in many cases.
Let us simply think that if adolescence is already a stage that involves sudden changes in a short time, which often overwhelm both children and parents, it is normal that if they are anticipating in time, add complication and uncertainty in the best case.
The role of parents in the family should be as ambiguous as possible, which will greatly facilitate their children to regulate themselves and know what to expect and this will give them confidence as well, that they will see more regularity and less feelings of guilt
PyM.- What are the causes of this phenomenon? Do you think that the fact of abandoning children too early can have an impact on development?
A.P.- As for what has to do with questioning the authority at earlier ages and resisting to assume the norms with a certain normality, it has influenced the way that from very early they have been seen with the possibility of being able to do it, with the opportunity of being the great protagonists of the family, in such a way, that they have discovered that they can send, direct and lead all the family dynamics. A lack of limits in childhood generates erroneous expectations and when they are intended to be put, they will not accept them.
Another aspect that makes it easier for the kids, to believe themselves older, is the feasy access to adolescent models, although they correspond to later ages, they are presented through the internet, television and social networks. A whole complex world that opens their eyes and leads them to think that they can too.
Thus we have for example that tools designed for adults and in any case young people, type "twitter" used by preteens, or games that use attitudes, together with an image and a slang, clearly youthful or in any case adolescents, are being used by children of 10 years. Or the adolescent fashion filtered through singers and models, which powerfully attract the attention of children, especially theirs.
To the extent that everything that goes forward does not go hand in hand with the degree of appropriate maturity, It is a risk for proper learning because they may come too large. On the one hand it can create false expectations and on the other, it can bring them closer to risk behaviors typically teenagers, such as those related to their sexuality or the consumption of certain substances, which although we know that at certain ages they will inevitably be there What we don't know is how they are going to face them at such early ages.
PyM.- What role should parents play in the family? Authority, leaders, classmates of your children, guides? Tell us why.
A.P.- The role of parents in the family should be lor less ambiguous possible, which will greatly facilitate your children to regulate themselves and know what to expect and this will give them confidence as well, that they will see more regularity and less feelings of guilt. Today, there is much confusion and insecurity in parents as to how to exercise their role.
When children are younger the role of parents will have large doses of affection and very well defined limits since they represent the only and first reference that children have. Children will feel safe thanks to external control even if they have not yet developed the necessary internal control.
When they get older and reach preadolescence, it is necessary to maintain the authority and above all the leadership that will begin to be questioned and here it will be crucial to practice with the example since the children will begin to be critical of what does not fit them. It will be important to keep the doses of affection.
Once they reach adolescence, parents they will learn to make certain issues more flexible and begin to agree on certain norms that until now were unilateral and iron, but they will maintain leadership and firmness in the fundamental norms. Here affection usually deteriorates and that is precisely why it is most important that it will be present and noticeable above all else.
At any stage the alleged companionship of the parents is acceptable, since this is more associated with external relations with the family, with friends and classmates, for example.
PyM .- I do not like the limits that 'limit' the discovery, the real needs of children ... but what happens if a child or adolescent is not limited in favor of a good family or social life?
A.P.- If the little ones do not learn to differentiate the limits to those inadmissible or dangerous behaviors will hardly develop the capacity to do so when they are older. A good external control, selective and tight to risky behavior, what helps them is to take the witness, and when they are older to differentiate between those issues that they can choose without attempting against themselves or against others.
If there are no external criteria there will be no internal criteria. If everything goes when they are little, they will not understand that when they are older, everything is not worth it. There are many children who reach adolescence absolutely convinced that there is no reason not to drink, or not to smoke cannabis or to do what an adult, teachers or parents tell them. Dismantling this idea is frankly difficult if they have not had some limits to their behavior.
PyM.- And now I'm going with the topic that worries me and motivates this interview, do I think so or is there a lot of machismo among teenagers? How do you present yourself at those ages?
A.P.- While it is accepted that relationships between teenage couples will always be tinged with some turbulence and inexperience and impulsivity, what is really surprising is that it continues to appear disrespect to the person 'to whom a special relationship joins you, as is the couple, with whom you have intimate feelings, complicity and with whom you have sexual relations, in many cases with whom you had them for the first time. '
And all this, breaking the expectations that for many years have been had on this matter, on which it was thought that it was working to extinguish it in adults and it was never suspected that it could resurface, increasing as it is, according to the data shown by the statistics, in adolescents.
Instead of establishing relationships with a certain level of freedom and autonomy, high levels of dependence are observed, of impoverishment of external relations and increased control of the couple. The mobile phone and social networks have become tools that can suffocate. The discredit in the network to the smallest problem of couple has been established as a throwing weapon.
Also the possibility of immediate communication has facilitated the endless discussions that occur between couples of teenagers who can keep them awake until dawn.
PyM.- Are there reliable indicators that can call our attention to a girl who with only 15 (or 16, or 17) years has an unequal relationship with her partner? How do parents know if they already have much more freedom and independence, and also do not have so much at home?
A.P.- If there is something that destabilizes a teenager, it is the relationship with her friends and especially with her partner. And it becomes evident because it distorts its existence. Although he will try to camouflage, there will be a neglect of their obligations, a greater tendency to be away from home or in their room, mood swings or appetite and a decrease in communication in the family, which will be more than evident.
Hours and hours talking on the phone and many times, the obvious signs of having cried or the evidence of being arguing and desperate are more than enough to know that something is wrong.
And if we also see that there are fewer and fewer of her friends and even abandon activities she has done so far, it will be evidence that the relationship is resulting in a certain toxic measure for her.
PyM.- How is it that girls who have been raised in equality and respect are allowed to dominate and submit?
A.P.- It has probably been more an intention and expectations than anything else. I mean that it has probably not been accompanied by a specific work, thought and elaborated, towards a strengthening of their self-esteem and a development of their emotional intelligence. Some pending things we have left are:
That they are created beautiful without the need to be like those "hollow models" that are still presented to them.
That they be considered the same also in advertising and in television series and market and advertising products.
May your opinion be enhanced, whatever it may be, however much it does not match the expectations or what is expected of them, so that they truly develop an autonomous and armored point of view and approach to anyone who intends to submit it.
PyM.- Your book is called 'From girls to malotas', are they submissive and 'malotas' at the same time? Why does this happen?
A.P.- In reality, “From girls to bad guys” refers to the change that inevitably occurs when the little princesses reach adolescence and surprise their parents with behavior patterns that are very different from those they were accustomed to and that in no case do they necessarily have to qualify as "Extreme issues or characteristics of abuse" but simply as surprising, abrupt and very different in all cases.
However, there are data that indicate that girls are increasingly like boys in the percentage of those who smoke tobacco, drink alcohol or use cannabis. Statistics show it. But although there seems to be a certain equality with the boys, in their relationship with them, there would be a clear inequality, in which they often show a certain subjugation and a lack of capacity to express themselves individually and with their own criteria.
According to statistics, machismo resurfaces among adolescents: instead of establishing relationships with a certain level of freedom and autonomy, high levels of dependence and impoverishment of external relations and increased control of the couple are observed
PyM.- I don't believe in magic recipes, and I do believe that parents should be involved (and much) in the education of their children (with more or less presence according to age). Is there a brief way to explain what values to convey to avoid problems - serious I mean - when children are teenagers?
A.P.- It will be very important to instill love for themselves, but not in an egocentric way or encouraging an excess of prominence, but favoring good and high self-esteem so that they can believe in their potentialities, in their opinions. It is about discovering from an early age that they are important regardless of their achievements, their physical appearance or any other type of external assessment, that in reality the only thing that would give them would be to be sold at their extrinsic value.
It is crucial that grow up learning to be responsible for their actions early and not to deposit it in others, mainly in their parents. The consequences and responsibility will lead them to understand how society actually works. And they need to grow up with the conviction that their opinion is important and respectable.
Sometimes it is difficult to achieve it because when they are wrong, in many occasions they tend to punish their way of thinking. The important thing is that they develop the freedom to think for themselves, while learning that the world, outside and within the family, will not necessarily be governed by them, which does not mean that it is not important that they express themselves.
It will be easier then that know how to deal with the unscrupulous who pretend to dominate or annul them and who do not need anything external to themselves To feel good and satisfied.
PyM.- And finally, we parents are very limited, but help us a little, what characteristics should a family communication that is beneficial for everyone when they are teenagers have?
A.P.- Mainly it must be a positive communication and away from the typical insistence on different everyday problems. Run away from the temptation to take advantage of every moment, which is true that there are not many, to talk about what does not work. It would be a way to get less and less talk.
Teenagers no longer tolerate large parental arguments and often complain that they are not interested in their subjects at all. That is why it will be good for parents to dedicate themselves more to listening and being interested in what teenagers want to contribute, even though they are not a priori issues that should interest parents.
Although often it seems the opposite, teenagers need some admiration for what they do well or for any contribution of their kind. Therefore reducing the reproaches to their failures and encouraging attention in the other direction will be very convenient.
After the interview, I leave you with this phrase, which invites us to let our children be responsible for their actions:
It is crucial that they grow up learning to be responsible for their actions from an early age and not to deposit it in others, especially their parents. The consequences and responsibility will lead them to understand how society actually works. And they need to grow up with the conviction that their opinion is important and respectable
I thank Angel for collaborating with us, and for shedding some light on such a complex issue.
